Drug Dreams…Ugh (no triggers)


Sometimes the monster is your own shadow.


Drug dreams are weird. I don’t want to go into too much detail because I know that some stuff triggers people… I am almost twelve years sober and my addiction still gets triggered by certain sights, smells and sounds.

Last night I had a weird dream that started out on a farm and then suddenly the animals were away in their little barn areas and I was about to be paid… in pills. It freaked me out. Even talking about it is a little freaky. I am pretty good at lucid dreaming and I told the person to back up a minute and give me some Excedrin instead. After that, I woke up.

I am not sure why we have drug dreams, but I am sure there is a reason. It is possible my husband and I were talking about recovery or maybe something came up on the television. Who knows.

It scared the ever living hell out of me. It is not the first time I had a drug dream, but I still don’t like them. It almost feels like I am cheating on my sobriety and that bothers me.

I mean, for me to do any drug or drink one drop of alcohol is signing my own death warrant. I have known people who have ‘gone back out’ and some of them never came back. I never understood it, but then I always understand it after I have a drug dream ( I think I average one about every three years or so). It is my subconscious.

That is all it is. And if I can talk myself through that shit, call someone, go to a meeting, pick up a big book, I’ll make it. I have to let the thought, dream, whatever, pass right through me. I have to remember what my life was like at my lowest bottom: when I had my kids taken from me and I was in someone’s basement sitting in a drunken stupor in a puddle of my own blood. That’s where I am headed if I ever pick up again. Sure, it might be all fun and games for a week or two, but I relapsed before (in 2005) and it fucking sucked. I remember that hell – and I’m sure my kids (who are grown now) remember, too. It is so much harder to bounce back the next time (it can be done – but it takes work).

No way… I’m not falling for the dream. That’s the disease lying to me, trying to get me to only see the fun, flowery parts of addiction. Nope. There isn’t one goddamn part of addiction that is fun. The disease deceives me. It shows me what it wants me to see. All the smoke, mirrors and bullshit.

I got better things to do than destroy my life.

Blessed be.

Do you have drug dreams or dreams that trigger a past trauma? 



Things I’m Good At: Procrastination

Story of my Life

Things I am good at:

  1. procrastination
  2. stalling
  3. last minute panic induced chaos
  4. all of the above

I have struggled my whole life trying to ‘find myself’ but mostly since 1996 when, thanks to a bottle of Ultram, I overdosed and was given the gift of short-term memory loss… Now, I am not as bad as Drew Barrymore’s character in Fifty First Dates… but I do some really dumb shit, forget really important shit and even once had a guy remain incarcerated (he and a male housemate got in a bit of a spat) because I forgot I had talked to him previously about saying he ‘lived with me.’

It went like this:

*phone rings, I pick it up*

Him: An officer is going to call you.  Can you tell them that I am living with you?  They won’t let me out if I have nowhere to go.

Me: Sure.  I can do that.

Him: Okay, thanks.

*hours pass, I have since interacted with my children at least three times (twice literally pulling my hair out), started making dinner, wrote two pages on a novel and smoked about five cigarettes*

*phone rings, I pick it up*

Person: Hi, I am calling to verify that B____ B_____ resides at your residence.

Me: Who? (scanning my memory… no recollection!  But I have to pick up some crickets for my pet spider!)

Person: B_____ B_____

Me: No, he doesn’t live here.

Person: Okay thank you.

Me: No problem.

What does this have to do with procrastination???

I don’t remember (you’re not surprised, right?)… whatever river raft I was floating on with that idea took a left at that fork.

So, I excel at procrastination.  Maybe switching up ideas is a part of that?  Like, Instead of writing about the original idea, I write about something else and that way, I don’t actually finish what I started.


I remember now.

My short term memory loss is annoying and I wonder if it leads to a severe case of procrastination to the point of it drastically impacting my life in a negative way. Whew!

For example, I will start on a project (writing; art; whatever) and it’s like I hear or see something and I am immediately distracted to the point of going completely off course.  I have done it three times since starting this entry.

I’m not talking about, “ooh, kitten videos on Facebook” and I lose track of twenty or thirty minutes.  I’m talking about “ooh, kitten videos on Facebook” and then two hours later I’m downstairs making myself a sandwich because my brain took a shit while searching for “make your own cat toys” due to watching kitten videos.  So, then I finally remember that I was working on a specific thing… and then I am just like, “Fuck it. I am too mentally and emotionally drained to do anything.”  So then I go downstairs and watch true crime shows on television making sure to remind myself how much my ‘life sucks’ when commercials with Jennifer Aniston come on the telly.

The mental ping pongery I inflict on myself is tiring and exacerbating.  I mean, I am trying to write a book, but in order to write a book, I have to read, and then I need to keep a blog and an online social media presence and oh yeah, don’t forget those pesky little things like: clean the house, make meals and go to an actual paying job.

So most days I do the bare minimum because it’s easier and then I don’t disappoint myself.

Hey, I got out of bed and fed the cat today.  Please don’t tell me you expect more from me. 

I also make lists, buy books, try to bribe myself (has this ever worked for anyone?)

Honestly, I just spent twenty minutes looking for a meme to go with this post and then got caught up in a post on Facebook about memes.

There has GOT to be a natural remedy for this freaking OCD/ADD procrastination crap.

By the way, I started this blog post two hours ago and should have had it done in fifteen minutes.

So my goal is to stop procrastinating and start doing what I need to do to get the life I want.

Right after I am done watching this squirrel in the tree and then searching for squirrel memes.


I’m the best bug in the room.

Ugh… fucking narcissism… I hate it. Not sure why I am a magnet for it, but I am and it royally pisses me off ungodly.  I think everyone has tendencies toward narcissism… we all need a healthy level of it to be able to take care of us… but what the hell, man.

In case you didn’t know, the term ‘narcissism’ comes from the Greek god Narcissus and basically means: a fixation with oneself and one’s physical appearance.

Me. Me. Me.  What’s in it for me.  What can I get to make my life better.  Let’s talk about me.  But on the flip side of that… it’s only the ‘good feels’ that these fuckers like.  Tell them they did something wrong, or hurt you, or were incorrect and holy effing shit!!  Duck, because the wrath, it is a coming.


That little Progressive Insurance Box in the commercials is a narcissist.  But that is funny, well, because boxes aren’t fucking alive and shit.

Is it uncomfortable to be wrong? OF COURSE IT IS.  No one wants to be wrong.  Ever. Being wrong isn’t fun. But I can’t see how being right (or thinking I am right) all the time would be fun, either.  If I am right all the time, how would I learn anything…?  I couldn’t because if I am always right, then that means I know everything.

It’s all just ridiculous.

Communicating with a narcissist is impossible.  I had a couple books on how to deal with narcissists, but I gave them to a friend of mine, because she was knee deep in a relationship with one and I was at the tail end of a relationship with one.  So, I kind of felt like she needed them more than I did.

This is what I learned from that relationship:

Forget about talking about feelings.  They hate that.

Forget about bringing up even the tiniest infraction they may have committed (this includes: leaving a pair of dirty socks on the floor or forgetting to take the trash out).

They have a separate set of rules:

“It is okay for me to do ‘xyz’ but no, you can’t do ‘xyz’ because that makes you an asshole.”

“It’s okay for me to not write down who called… you better write down who called or I’ll sick the ‘silent scorn’ on you for two days!”

So that’s where it is for now… Just took a break from writing to paint the ‘bug’ up at the top of this post.  Time for some fresh air. It is actually above fifty degrees here tonight!




Another Blog

Just a little FYI my friendly friends… I started another blog over at DAMSWriter.  More posts of random ramblings of useless bullshit and crazy ideas coupled with a single finger salute to the ignorant masses.

Except:  that blog will serve more of a purpose to my ‘big picture’ – ‘cept… I have no effing clue what that picture is, how big it is… not a damn idea.  But… I think that it’s gonna be pretty cool in a sense that it will be related to more than just my sanity (or lack there of).

Like, maybe I think it is where I’m finally gonna get this goddamn book inside me (figuratively) out.

See ya around.

The moon – kinda trippy and pissed off.



I was reading an article that mentioned that ‘narcissists have a grandiose sense of self’ and that they ‘possess a feeling of being put on Earth for something greater than just being.’

So, does this mean anyone who has pursued their dream is a narcissist? DSCN3408


I’m cool with that.

Because, in my life, something has got to give.  I am tired of being a zombified rat spinning her wheel of nothingness.

I’m tired of putting others before me that don’t really matter in my life.  I used to think that people who did that were selfish pricks.

I think I can be a semi-selfish bitch.  I have to take care of me.

I watched a 45 minute video about ‘The Law of Attraction’ tonight.

Believe and I will receive.

Just Can’t…


Do anything!  UGH!  My attention span is worse than a gnat.  I get all these great ideas in my head while at work about all the creative stuff I will do when I get home and when I get home…

Nothing.  I listen to an album I am reviewing for www.thesteelonion.com and I listen and just scroll Facebook all damn night.  Oh, and I also check Twitter all night.  I was going to write up an article of my favorite albums from 2015, but then it just seemed overwhelming so I said, ‘fuck it’ and shitcanned that idea.

I’ve been doing this kind of shit for years… years!  I love to paint (and am pretty good at it!) but I can’t put together anything for that… I love photography, can’t figure out what to do with the hundreds of photos I’ve taken.

I am really down in the dumps lately…. I feel like I can’t write a decent article to post on the website, can’t write a decent album review, get terrified at the thought of doing a phone interview with any kind of musical artist.

Hell, my husband and I are supposed to be going to see VENOM INC tomorrow night in Philly, and I not excited about that either.

It’s fucking freezing cold in this house.  The fireplace isn’t working right, and I am just teetering on the brink of giving up.

What is wrong with me?  Why can’t I just do what I set out to do?  Am I the only person in the world with this problem?

UGH.  It’s so annoying… I have no ambition.

I was ambitious last year when I started the Steel Onion, but it has taken forever to get off the ground… Still see-sawing around 200 followers on Twitter and Facebook Page likes, forget it. The page is just above 400 likes.



Validation of the Self – You’re Doing It Wrong.


In today’s world of ‘everything right now!’ along with selfies, YOLO and “Love me the way I am,” I noticed something pretty interesting from a Facebook Post by a popular women’s page.

Validation:  To make valid. Substantiate. Confirm. (taken from Dictionary.com).

So, there is all this talk about how we should empower ourselves, love ourselves and seek validation from within… but, if you’re on the internet, you’ll see (as I have seen) anything but ‘self-validation.’

I just saw a post on Facebook about ‘Thigh Reading.’  Thigh reading is the newest ‘craze’ in self-validation (self-validation while trying to get 20,000+ people to agree with you, thereby validating you or your thoughts – aka… NOT SELF-VALIDATION) where you take a picture of your stretch marks and post it on the internet with the hashtag #ThighReading.  So, you post the pic, the hashtag, and maybe a little quirp about why you’re posting the picture.

Ok, I get it.  In today’s digital age of photo-shopping, more practically naked people than any clothing optional beach in the world and ‘perfect models,’ it’s a little difficult to get the good feels about yourself.  I struggle almost daily with my body image.

I don’t think me posting my small breasts, my big feet or my imperfect waist on the internet is going to help me feel better about myself – my body image.  And, who the fuck wants to see that shit?  I certainly don’t want to see that shit!

It floors me… it floors me because all these women want to feel validated.  Guess what?  Validation comes from within. It doesn’t come from umpteen plus Facebook likes on a picture of you in a low-cut shirt… it doesn’t come from you posting a picture of yourself with a caption that reads, “eww’ or “ugly.” It doesn’t come from you thin-shaming or fat-shaming other people because you’re so uncomfortable with the way you look.  Or, hey, maybe you love the way you look and you just like to be a total bitch.

There is no way more people don’t see this outcry of insecurity on the internet… Please tell me someone else notices this stuff.  Please…

I’m not saying it isn’t unheard of or wrong to feel less than great (maybe you had trouble fitting in your favorite jeans, or maybe your favorite jeans aren’t tight enough, maybe you are one too many mini-pretzels or maybe you’re just having an off day) and ask someone, “Hey, does this look okay?” or something like that.

Come on, you know what I’m saying, right?

I think the question is… what can we do about it?  How can we help women empower themselves in a way that is actually self-empowerment? Cause I gotta tell ya… outside validation is a nasty thing.  It is almost like a crutch. No. It is a crutch.  The more we seek outside validation, the less we seek inner validation (which is where true self-esteem and self-love come from) and that imbalance leads to a lifetime of disappointment, sadness and doing things for the wrong reason.

Self-validation is an amazing thing and it can only come from the self.  All those outside sources of validation are temporary.  They are temporary and if you don’t get enough of them you’re left feeling hollow, hurt or unloved.

Why would you want to put that kind of power in someone else’s corner?

What are your thoughts on this new wave of external self-validation?