Drug dreams are weird. I don’t want to go into too much detail because I know that some stuff triggers people… I am almost twelve years sober and my addiction still gets triggered by certain sights, smells and sounds.
Last night I had a weird dream that started out on a farm and then suddenly the animals were away in their little barn areas and I was about to be paid… in pills. It freaked me out. Even talking about it is a little freaky. I am pretty good at lucid dreaming and I told the person to back up a minute and give me some Excedrin instead. After that, I woke up.
I am not sure why we have drug dreams, but I am sure there is a reason. It is possible my husband and I were talking about recovery or maybe something came up on the television. Who knows.
It scared the ever living hell out of me. It is not the first time I had a drug dream, but I still don’t like them. It almost feels like I am cheating on my sobriety and that bothers me.
I mean, for me to do any drug or drink one drop of alcohol is signing my own death warrant. I have known people who have ‘gone back out’ and some of them never came back. I never understood it, but then I always understand it after I have a drug dream ( I think I average one about every three years or so). It is my subconscious.
That is all it is. And if I can talk myself through that shit, call someone, go to a meeting, pick up a big book, I’ll make it. I have to let the thought, dream, whatever, pass right through me. I have to remember what my life was like at my lowest bottom: when I had my kids taken from me and I was in someone’s basement sitting in a drunken stupor in a puddle of my own blood. That’s where I am headed if I ever pick up again. Sure, it might be all fun and games for a week or two, but I relapsed before (in 2005) and it fucking sucked. I remember that hell – and I’m sure my kids (who are grown now) remember, too. It is so much harder to bounce back the next time (it can be done – but it takes work).
No way… I’m not falling for the dream. That’s the disease lying to me, trying to get me to only see the fun, flowery parts of addiction. Nope. There isn’t one goddamn part of addiction that is fun. The disease deceives me. It shows me what it wants me to see. All the smoke, mirrors and bullshit.
I got better things to do than destroy my life.
Do you have drug dreams or dreams that trigger a past trauma?