Well, I have been accused of thinking too much, not thinking clearly or (hysterically) not thinking at all.
I have seen many therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, etc… I’ve been told I am ‘depressed’ or ‘bi-polar’ or ‘suffer from PTSD.’
Ok, well which is it? Can it be all three? Because, I have to say, I just feel like my thinking is on a level far beyond normal… whatever the fuck normal is.
Not sure if you’ve ever been to the ‘shrink,’ but there is always this questionnaire to fill out with forty cryptic questions referring to ‘state of mind’ and they either have to be answered on a number scale (1 -5) or that whole ‘never,’ ‘sometimes,’ ‘frequently,’ bullshit.
Anyway… back to thinking. I guess they call it racing thoughts… I have been asked about ‘racing thoughts’ each time I have been to a psycho-helper-person. And I always said, ‘what the fuck are racing thoughts?’ Like, what does that even mean? Can you give me an idea?
And they honestly just look at me with this ‘I don’t know how to answer that question’ gaze.
And I’ll say, ‘If you mean, thinking about the same thing obsessively until the next brain burn enters my head and then I obsess over that, and so on and so on and so on it goes until I literally want to scream and pull my hair out simultaneously’ then yeah, I guess so.
This is my head on a daily basis.
In the off moment I am thinking about nothing, I feel so peaceful. These moments are the moments spent with nature or music… these moments are the moments when I am ‘arting’ out my mind. But most of the time I am not in a state of blissful oblivion.
Sometimes I feel I missed my calling.. my calling to be a detective because I pay attention to everything. It drives me fucking bonkers because I don’t want to pay attention to everything. I just want to be… just be. have you ever heard that term?
Alrighty then… I have tried to just be, but I am afraid I am complicating it or maybe it is so simple that it is complicated and therefore, I am really over-complicating it and so, well, just fuck it.
So… the next best thing I can come up with is to write and draw things. These creepy ass things that enter my head and I kind of lose it in a sense and I just get sucked into this whirlwind of non-thinking, but I guess I am thinking, because how the hell else would I be able to write or draw?
Well… time for more coffee.