Acute Awareness or Paranoia?

So… I think too much.  I realized this years ago but instead of sitting with my thoughts or finding something productive to do, I decided that drinking and taking drugs would help me out.  I was wrong, my life fell apart and, after losing everything in early 2006, I got sober in May of 2006.

I am still clean and sober, but for some reason, my brain fails to come along for the ride sometimes.  I get these crazy thoughts in my head and really feel like things are very wrong.  And then I have to watch everyone.  Like… everyone.

Watching...
Watching…

Today I was sure that someone was doing me dirty, and, passive aggressive me, I decided to take to Facebook to put up some obscure post to call that person out on their shit without actually calling them out in the hopes that this person would read what I wrote and automatically think it was about them.

I am aware of my surroundings and of people and their behavior almost always…  but then I think, “hey, things are going really good right now, and fuck man, I don’t deserve this good stuff.  Let me over-think this shit and fuck it up so I can confirm my negative self beliefs.”

Today I thought someone was being sneaky and doing me dirty behind my back (do they ever do it to the face?)  to the point that I felt my blood pressure rocket, my jaw clenched and it took me over an hour to talk myself down to a dull hum.

Days like this suck… they suck because it takes ones little thing; one tiny fucking misspoken word, or one thoughtless action from someone and I am totally up in my head the rest of the day.

Like, what the fuck man! “Why did you say that?”  “What does that mean?”

Sometimes though, my spidey senses are dead fucking on like butter on toast and I guess those times are what make me believe that the rest of the time my senses are dead on as well.

I guess the good thing is that I am aware of this behavior. But then, the bad thing is that I am aware of this behavior because sometimes I have a difficult time talking myself down.

Delusional I guess would be a good description… but how is someone delusional if they think they are being delusional (sometimes).

I was so upset today.. not crying or anything, but annoyed.  Seriously annoyed.  I was sure that what I thought was real, so sure that I wrote this on Facebook:

“There’s a disturbing lack of empathy these days… no one is asking themselves “how would I feel if this were done to me?” “What would it feel like if this happened to me?” No one is really wrapping their head around that.
They’re all just out for the next narcissistic feel good moment. And that… is fucking sad.”

And I wrote it about what was going on with me in my sick head, but when I really re-read it (not to mention the number of likes and the discussion it created) I thought, ‘Wow, this applies to a lot of situations.’

At this moment I am at peace because the thought got diffused early enough and, like I said, I talked myself down.  It is a rare occurrence, but I am glad when it happens.

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