Sometimes I think I am a long lost relative of Grumpy Cat… But then I think about it and realize a) she’s a cat b) she’s still alive and c) she’s a fucking cat for God’s sake. I have been kind of down for the last few days. This could be obvious to my readers because, since inception of this blog, I have not posted anything close to happy and my posts are not consistent.
Yes, I have been to a shrink (many) and (I believe I stated in an earlier post) I have been diagnosed with PTSD, Depression and Bi-polar Disorder… I’ve read about these disorders as well as being told I have them (one or two or all) by more than one doctor/therapist. Hell, I even took psych classes in college because I was going to be a drug and alcohol counselor before the boom. I was also pretty sure I could figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. After reading the DSM-IV, I was sure I was everything from a psychopath to having dissociative disorder.
Nope, just depressed with bouts of bi-polarism sprinkled with PTSD.
Anyway, I get in these moods where I just wish everyone would go the fuck away, all the people I dislike would just die and then it would be me, the animals and maybe some coffee and a few packs of cigarettes. Thankfully, these moods don’t last more than a day or three and I gradually seep back into the molasses of reality.
So, it is the holiday season… woo hoo (sarcasm). My kids are grown (not to mention they don’t really speak to me), my family moved away a couple years ago, the other part of my family is pretty distant and the other other part of my family is dead.
So the holidays consist of my fiancée and me, a handful of friends and the flock of Facebook Friends on the computer. You know, the whole “Hey, I’m doing great and I hope you are too! 🙂 Stop by if you wanna and tell Susie I said, ‘hello!’.”
I write about music on the side… I was writing for other websites but then decided to start my own because no one was letting me write what I wanted or write about the bands I liked. So I said, ‘fuck it.’ and started my own site. Yesterday I had someone comment to me on Facebook because of an opinion I had about a band I was checking out.
That opinion really fucking pissed me off. Normally, I don’t let such things get to me when I am in a ‘normal state of mind.’ Clearly, this state of mind was not the case because he irritated the hell out of me, but I kept my cool. I am a master of saying the right thing… always. Sociopath?
Possibility… but, I digress.
That has nothing to do with the holidays, except maybe the holidays have everything to do with how I have felt since Thanksgiving. I mean, it is a holiday.
I remember when the holidays used to mean something. On Thanksgiving, I had to run out for another can of cranberry sauce, and they were putting up stuff for Christmas. Not to mention, now Black Friday means nothing since now they have ‘brown Thursday’ or some shit. My GOD, let the people eat dinner with their families in peace!
Anyway, the holidays are just different these days. Sure, they are happy (especially when it snows on Christmas morning) since I have love in my life. But, they are just different…