Yep. Where do they come from? I am pretty sure they start out rather small and then if fed, they grow, if ignored, they eventually wither and die. Today was one of those days (and still is one of those nights) that I wound up feeding them instead of starving them and now I am just a giant ball of nerves and nausea.
It’s incredible, really. The core of it all is how I don’t feel “good enough.” I am not pretty enough, or smart enough or funny enough, or sassy enough. My feet are too big, my boobs are too small, My legs are too skinny and my belly isn’t flat enough.
Looking at it from a perspective of brief sanity, it all sounds completely insane. But my brief bout with rationalism is, in fact, less that the flash of a firing gun.
Why do I do this to myself?
The other thing is, too, I self-sabotage in interesting ways. There are certain people I don’t want in my life nor my fiancee’s life, but still they come around begging to get some work done by him. And instead of me just lying and saying he is busy or whatever, I am honest. Damn it, why am I so fucking honest?!